A/N: I've been in a funk for the past couple of days, and so I decided to listen to my audio-Bible and this is the resulting cry pouring from my heart.
Lord, I don't know why things happen the way they do.
I don't understand the things that You've set in motion, yet I choose to follow You. I can't pretend to be unafraid, because inside I'm shaking like a leaf. I know that You are always faithful, but it is me who fails and me who is untrustworthy. I do not always trust in Your Word even though You have never given me a reason to doubt it. I do not always trust the promises You've made, yet none of them has turned up void or null. You've have been honesty and steadfast even the smallest of ways, still I lack faith at times.
Renew me, Lord. Consecrate my heart, mind, body, and soul to the purposes that You have seen fit for them. Take my life and use it for Your glory. Apart from You, I have done many terrible things and led myself on a path of destruction. I'm sick of doing life my way, because my way is a wide highway to hell. It all seemed well and good until the stupor wore off and suddenly the cold harsh reality set in. Now I'm looking around for those who said they'd be by my side, and I am alone. I look around for comfort, yet I am alone. I start a fire to warm these frozen marrow-bones, but nothing melts them.
I know You see the honest and pure desire in my heart, a small thing for You, but in my weakness I begin to falter. I lose hope as the days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, and I question whether my motives were so pure to begin with. Who am I to doubt a desire You've placed within me? Who am I that I should question the source of my strength? Lord, sap me of my worldly strength, so that I can only turn to You for vigor in this. My double-mindedness toys with ideas crafted in the dark, expose them with Your Light. Bring Truth into this foggy midst of confusion and uncertainty and wash away my doubts. Lord, take this desire from me that I may once again receive as a gift from You, instead of taking it for granted and assuming that I know best how to make it happen. Erase from my mind any schemes of the flesh that hinder Your glorious plan for my life.
Teach me to be praise You in the midst of suffering. Teach me to cry out to You as I used to when my faith was child-like. Break my legs so that I may lean on You as the elderly lean on canes. Cleanse my tongue, the instrument of speedy death and destruction, so that it may once again speak Your words. Remove and replace these wickedly idle hands and set them to task for the purposes You've given them. Chastise my fiery member, that it may no longer work in offense to You, but consecrate my seed unto the millionth generation that they should serve You and You alone. Let none fall in mockery of Divine Nature. Gouge these shifty eyes of mine, and replace them with eyes that look upon You alone, for what I have seen has crucified You a thousand times over.
Oh Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner! I, a false prophet among believers, a double agent working among Your highest calling of ambassador! Lord, make these actions of mine a thing forgotten and set me on the path which You have paved for me.
Amen
